This week has been hard. Being sick and staying home alone for days on end really puts me in a bad spot mentally. I hate being left alone with my anxieties. I just dwell on things that I shouldn’t dwell on.
I’m feeling….I don’t know. Kind of hopeless lately. I don’t have many of my own goals. I never really have. For as long as I can remember, I’ve copied others. I hated my handwriting when I was young so I always copied Jenna Cornelius. And I remember in 2nd grade I could read really well but a girl I thought was cooler than me could barely plug thru a kindergarten level..so I started reading the lower levels. How stupid is that? Why would I do that? And fashion. I mean I follow any fad that makes sense to me. I allow others’ standards to become my own even when I find them so fucking ridiculous. The people I find myself emulating are people I don’t even respect and yet somehow I’m comparing myself to them in a bad light. When does it ever make sense to blow half a months rent on a fucking bag or watch!? I go back and fourth between hating these people and envying them because they seem to know what makes them happy. And I don’t. So I try shopping. I try photography. I try getting engaged. I try moving. I try new jobs. I try new fitness fads. Anorexia. Weight lifting. Anything.
I have no fucking idea what I want out of my own life and it terrifies me.
Not a great week.
bahahaha i assume this is the video rach wanted me to find?!
well i lost my passport? er, well maybe my dad did. we really have no idea. all i know is that i get to throw a couple extra hundred bucks at THAT on top of everything else london-esque.
i can’t care, though. i’m going to london. that’s all that really matters to me.
i’m terrified every other five minutes of the flight. i see it, out of nowhere, just losing altitude and crashing into the ocean half way thru the trip. i picture clinging to seans arm crying during take off. i imagine how, if we start to free fall, i’ll fight my urge to yell out loud that i knew i shouldn’t have gotten on this plane. i’ll try and turn my phone on quickly enough to get reception so i can text my dad that i love him.
i hate these irrational thoughts.
but they won’t keep me grounded. i would hate myself forever if i didn’t get to london ‘cause i was too scared. i’d honestly rather die going than not go at all. i refuse to let something that scares me to death keep me from doing something i’ve day dreamed about doing for years.
i haven’t flown since 2009 when i lived in california but then wasn’t HORRIBLE.. and i didn’t have any drugs. at the very least i’ll have something to calm me a little more. and i’ve spent many a conversation prepping sean for how neurotic i will be and skillfully showing him how to handle me.
once i get there… i’ll be good. i’ll be happy.
i can’t wait to stay in our little apartment that we are (probably) renting :) it’s a beautiful little studio in southern london just across the river, east of the waterloo tube stop (oh the irony).
this is the building it’s in :)
so at the VERY least, we will have a clean, safe, adorable place to rest our heads!!
plus we think having a kitchen will save us a little cash so we don’t feel like we HAVE to go out to eat every night.
we also may take a quick trip to ireland to see one of sean’s friends who just moved out there. that would sure be fun!
i’m so excited for the trip. really. despite what i wrote up top, that’s only like 30% of how i feel. the other 70% i’m soooooo thrilled!!!